Johnny Edwards, I Had Such High Hopes

You don’t mind if I call you Johnny Edwards, do you? After all, that is your real name. While we’re on the topic of your name, Johnny Edwards, since when is “John” a nickname for “Johnny?” That’s pretty insane. Kind of like you.

I know I sound bitter and, well, to be honest I am. You see, back when I lived in Arlington, we shopped at the same grocery store. I had a major crush on you, Johnny Edwards. We’re talking BIG crush, even compared to my crush on another Democrat who shall remain nameless but MAY have been President during the 90s. Anyway, little did I know that I actually HAD.A.CHANCE. While you were having an extramarital affair, Johnny Edwards, I was sitting at home, watching the Hills and text messaging. Had I known better at the time, I would have just parked myself by the mangoes and waited. I mean, c’mon, Johnny Edwards. Rielle? Rielle Hunter? Seriously? Oh, Johnny Edwards, you could have done so much better! So much younger! So much ME.

Johnny Edwards, had the stars aligned differently, I like to imagine that I would be your baby momma. Living in seclusion with our secret love-child, paid off by an aide, featured on the cover of Star Magazine. But no, Johnny Edwards, my fantasy was not meant to be. Instead, you choose to shatter your family, your career, and my ability to drool incessantly for the next four to eight years. Also, John Kerry called. He says ‘Way to eff that one up, Johnny Edwards.’

I must stop writing about you, Johnny Edwards, as my bitterness seems not to be abating.

(And yes, I do love a good prank more than pretty much anything. Except my son. Who, by the way, is not yours, Johnny Edwards.)

9 Responses to Johnny Edwards, I Had Such High Hopes
  1. KYouell
    September 15, 2010 | 9:22 pm

    That, fellow Prankster, totally rocked. You sure told Johnny Edwards what you thought! I bet it feels good to get that off your chest, John C. Mayer -style.

    It might not be up til tomorrow, but I’m going to John C. Mayer -ize Val E. Kilmer. Hope you stop by and comment.

    Prank on!

  2. steph gas
    September 15, 2010 | 9:57 pm

    johnny edwards is kind of cute. i can understand crushing on johnny edwards. also, johnny edwards is a lame nickname for john edwards. PRANKSTERS FTW!

  3. Aunt Becky
    September 15, 2010 | 10:02 pm

    When I read the news about Johnny Edwards, the Democrat guy, how he had had The Sex with that Rielle lady, I was upset with Johnny Edwards, because Johnny Edwards didn’t look the type to have an affair while his wife had The Cancer. Johnny Edwards, if he was going to stick his Johnny Edwards in something other than his wife, should have clearly stuck his mini-Johnny Edwards into you. You’re much better than Rielle.

    Please make sure to post your post link here about Johnny Edwards onto my blog, Mommy Wants Vodka, in the comments under the John C. Mayer posts. Maybe all of them. Because we want to see what Johnny Edwards is up to on my blog about John C. Mayer.

  4. Kristin
    September 15, 2010 | 11:54 pm

    I have always thougth Johnny Edwards was like a Ken Doll…plastic and empty…excpet he couldn’t be because Ken dolls aren’t anatomically correct and Johnny Edwards mus have all his equipment if he created a Johnny Edwards baby with Rielle.

    Check out my prankster fun and learn about my love affair with John S. Barrowman.

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  6. Anna
    September 16, 2010 | 9:18 am

    Johnny Edwards broke my heart. I love how John Kerry called Johnny Edwards – that seriously made me laugh out loud. So, I guess, thank you to Johnny Edwards for being a major douche so that you could be Mayer’ed.

  7. Rebecca
    September 16, 2010 | 11:04 am

    Okay I totally don’t understand why his mother would name him Johnny. I mean Johnny jokes are everywhere. Johnny Edwards was bound to end up just like his namesake.

  8. Johnny Edwards | Tales from the Tracks
    September 16, 2010 | 6:17 pm

    [...] Contact « Johnny Edwards, I Had Such High Hopes [...]

  9. Megan (Best of Fates)
    September 17, 2010 | 3:25 pm

    Johnny Edwards is such a disappointment – obviously Johnny Edwards should have chosen you as his mistress.

    Bad, bad Johnny Edwards.

    Not like David Hyde Pierce, who will always choose me as his mistress of choice:

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