I woke up this morning, thinking, “Wow. That was a crazy dream I had last night. I imagined McCain picked some unknown, inexperienced, right-wing nut job from a disconnected state as his Vice President. I’m so crazy. No more wine before bed anymore!”

And then I opened my laptop to find that, crazier yet, it wasn’t a dream.

McCain’s choice of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is really, really scary. First of all, she has no national experience at all. She barely even has any state level experience, having been Alaska’s Governor for less than two years. Before that, she was the mayor of a podunk town and before that, a self-described “hockey mom.”

Palin is 44, which makes her three years younger than Obama. Obama was a state senator for 8 years and a U.S. senator for 3 years, which makes him far more experienced than Palin. McCain’s biggest criticism of Obama throughout the campaign has been his supposed “lack of experience.” I guess, it turns out, experience really isn’t that important after all, huh Johnny?

McCain praises Palin for her “tenacity” and being tough on the issues. But what issues? Social issues? Everyone knows that social issues don’t actually matter and are only used as a tool to pander to the less intelligent “values voters” who lack both an understanding of manipulative political tactics as well as a general understanding of how our country works. In my mind, Sarah Palin can be boiled down like this:

• She claims to be a feminist… but strongly opposes a woman’s right to choose
• She claims to be “moral”… but is under investigation for retaliatory firing of her ex-brother in law after he divorced her sister
• She claims to be concerned with preservation… but sued the federal government for placing the polar bear on the endangered species list, saying it would discourage drilling for oil in Alaska
• She claims to be pro life… but is a member of the NRA and pro guns
• She claims to be intelligent… but was a former Miss Alaska contestant

The scariest part of this entire circus is that McCain, at 72 years old, would become the oldest elected president in history. He has a history of cancer - including a melanoma that was removed during the campaign. The possibility of his death or incapacitation during his term is very, very real. And if that happened, guess who would be in charge of the country, meeting with foreign leaders? That’s right! Zero economic or foreign policy experience herself - Sarah Palin.

The move to add Palin to his ticket was a very sad attempt by McCain to appeal to women voters, to basically try and capture some of the former Hillary supporters. But Palin is the exact antithesis of everything Clinton stood for. Furthermore, suggesting that one woman can be substituted cleanly for another is disgusting. But then, I suppose that’s been McCain’s approach for years anyway.

Shame on you, Johnny, for thinking so little of women’s intelligence and for disgracing your entire party with such a poor choice.

Call me a giant loser, but sitting here watching replays from the Democratic Convention is giving me chills. (By the way, “call me a giant loser” is just intended as an expression. I’ll appreciate no one leaving me comments actually calling me a giant loser, Mom.)

Hillary’s speech was fantastic! She was poised, she was direct, she was eloquent. And how radiant did she look in orange?! Simply glowing!

I can only hope that this speech shuts up those moronic naysayers who claim Hillary supporters won’t vote for Obama. Such a concept has always seemed to be absurd. Clinton and Obama’s proposed policies were nearly identical. If you supported what Hillary stood for, you supported what Obama stood for by default. Unless of course you simply supported women, and even then, I think I could make a pretty strong case that Obama’s got more of what you’re interested than McCain does. The only reason I could even fathom why Clinton supporters might not vote for Obama is out of bitterness and spite for Clinton’s loss - but then, isn’t that the exact stereotype that women are trying to get away from?

So hooray for Hillary for delivering such a critical and well-worded speech! (I suppose that warrants a hooray for her speechwriters, too!) Hooray for Obama! Hooray for a unified Democratic party! Hooray for giving the so-called “Red” states the governance that is best for them no matter how hard they try to spite themselves!

Go Dems.

A sampling of the gems that waft out of my mouth as a parent:

“Only grown-ups are allowed to take diapers off babies.”

“Mr. Monster, can you please leave? Gavin’s trying to sleep. Thank you.”

“Hands never ever go in toilets. Ever.”

“Mommy doesn’t want to say grace over her goldfish crackers. Mommy is a Jew.”

“No way am I opening your diaper to show you what’s inside, sorry.”

“How did this ducky get in the toilet?”

“Ketchup and blueberries are NOT a meal.”

I’m sure there are more I’ll add as I think of them. What silly phrases do you catch yourself saying to your kids?